working lots, stashing the money so that i can get home to my babies who i miss so fucking much. i dont feel right without them, they are my life and its taken this time away from them for me to realise just how much i love and miss them and how much i want to be with them.
looking forward to going home, but not until after dads tests, and after i get enough cash together for a car.
lovley sunny day here, wish i was in cairns.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Friday, September 25, 2009
oh fuck it all
ive gotta get this out of my system. im well aware that you dont read this, and i dont give a fuck if you never see this, i just need to get it out.
i am fucking BROKEN without you, sitting here listening to death punch thinking about the first time i heard it, on the phone to you for hours and hours, all those fucking hours of talking, sometimes of silence, just being. fuck? bawling my fuckin eyes out because you were fucking IT and my god i gave everything up for you, i just so wanted to be with you. even forgave you for sleeping with her, something i would never do for anyone else. you were it.
everything i listen to reminds me of you. why? all the fucking hours we sat on msn webcamming, talking, all the youtube/facebook/youtube that went on. every fucking song on my goddamn playlist has you written all over it,
that first time i came over, it was like magic. i was just about to not get back on the plane to go home, i fucking cried the whole way home because i was so scared i would never see you again.
we fitted just right? i guess life takes everyone down different roads and fuck.
i know, its over, im better off without you, youre better off without me.
but im not okay. i am not okay without you, knowing i will never see you again, never lie with you in bed watching movies, never sit out on the balcony drinking with you. nothing will be the same for me ever again. its just fuckin shattered me.
i remember when all the games began, remember every little lie and every last goodbye...
promises you broke, words you choked on
and i never walked away
its still a mystery to me
well im so empty
im better off without you
and youre better off without me
youre so unclean,
im better off without you and
youre better off without me.
paint the mirrors black to forget you
i still picture your face
and the way you used to taste
roses in a glass
dead and wilted
to you this all was nothing
everything to you was nothing
...... well as wikid as you are
you're beautiful to me
...... you're the darkest burning star
you're my
perfect
desire
its over.... now.
i am fucking BROKEN without you, sitting here listening to death punch thinking about the first time i heard it, on the phone to you for hours and hours, all those fucking hours of talking, sometimes of silence, just being. fuck? bawling my fuckin eyes out because you were fucking IT and my god i gave everything up for you, i just so wanted to be with you. even forgave you for sleeping with her, something i would never do for anyone else. you were it.
everything i listen to reminds me of you. why? all the fucking hours we sat on msn webcamming, talking, all the youtube/facebook/youtube that went on. every fucking song on my goddamn playlist has you written all over it,
that first time i came over, it was like magic. i was just about to not get back on the plane to go home, i fucking cried the whole way home because i was so scared i would never see you again.
we fitted just right? i guess life takes everyone down different roads and fuck.
i know, its over, im better off without you, youre better off without me.
but im not okay. i am not okay without you, knowing i will never see you again, never lie with you in bed watching movies, never sit out on the balcony drinking with you. nothing will be the same for me ever again. its just fuckin shattered me.
i remember when all the games began, remember every little lie and every last goodbye...
promises you broke, words you choked on
and i never walked away
its still a mystery to me
well im so empty
im better off without you
and youre better off without me
youre so unclean,
im better off without you and
youre better off without me.
paint the mirrors black to forget you
i still picture your face
and the way you used to taste
roses in a glass
dead and wilted
to you this all was nothing
everything to you was nothing
...... well as wikid as you are
you're beautiful to me
...... you're the darkest burning star
you're my
perfect
desire
its over.... now.
i love 5fdp!
yayyy new album today! stupid girl, had a big old cry to The Bleeding, fucking hell. just when i had kinda stopped being upset over it all. no, i dont think i'll stop being upset over it, but it was on my mind less. until now. arse. and to make it worse listened to all the other fucking songs on playlist from "that" couple of months. ick. why does music make me cry?
all goods, and i dont think i'll go out with Jodi tonight coz im broke unless the boss pays me tonight but usually he pays on sundays, and ive gotta chuck most of it in the bank. only think ill get about $150, havent done many hours this week. better than nothing tho right and gets me out of the house which is nice.
beautiful sunny day again, not too hot tho maybe about 21 degrees, wind is a bit cold. sat outside reading in the sun again so i could tan up.
talked to the kids before, Lonnie sounds very good and grown up. theyre going to the movies with Ouma tonight which should be fun for them, ive never had the guts to take both of them to the movies at the same time. would be a disaster. would be okay if i had a hubby. yes, you.
all goods, and i dont think i'll go out with Jodi tonight coz im broke unless the boss pays me tonight but usually he pays on sundays, and ive gotta chuck most of it in the bank. only think ill get about $150, havent done many hours this week. better than nothing tho right and gets me out of the house which is nice.
beautiful sunny day again, not too hot tho maybe about 21 degrees, wind is a bit cold. sat outside reading in the sun again so i could tan up.
talked to the kids before, Lonnie sounds very good and grown up. theyre going to the movies with Ouma tonight which should be fun for them, ive never had the guts to take both of them to the movies at the same time. would be a disaster. would be okay if i had a hubby. yes, you.
yay sunshine!
sunshine!! have spent the day outside in the courtyard just reading a book... fantasticly relaxing. trying to get my legs up to "aussie colour" but they havent seen the sun in years.
dads had a really great day today, he seemed very motivated and got outside and did a couple of little jobs, asked me tot ake him to the tavern, and has been in a really good mood!
Jodi came to work with me last night, was good fun. a guy quit coz boss yelled at him so we are now seriously understaffed. good thing that Jodi wants to work!
she rekons i should go to the casino with her on saturday after i finnish work, its AFL grand final and work will be quiet, so that will be fun to go hang out with my sis! wont be doing any gambling tho, broke as! i'm working a few nights a week but some nights its only a few hours, so at the end of the week it doesnt really add up to much. dont mind, just need to pay bills and petrol and smokes, dont really need anything else.
im going down to the galleria now to get Greta some flowers, she bloody deserves them because she works soooo hard.
xx
dads had a really great day today, he seemed very motivated and got outside and did a couple of little jobs, asked me tot ake him to the tavern, and has been in a really good mood!
Jodi came to work with me last night, was good fun. a guy quit coz boss yelled at him so we are now seriously understaffed. good thing that Jodi wants to work!
she rekons i should go to the casino with her on saturday after i finnish work, its AFL grand final and work will be quiet, so that will be fun to go hang out with my sis! wont be doing any gambling tho, broke as! i'm working a few nights a week but some nights its only a few hours, so at the end of the week it doesnt really add up to much. dont mind, just need to pay bills and petrol and smokes, dont really need anything else.
im going down to the galleria now to get Greta some flowers, she bloody deserves them because she works soooo hard.
xx
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
im not giving up
i suppose its been a good thing for me to have this time out, time alone and away from everyday things so i can sort my head. and thats what half the point of the trip over to oz was about.
i know what i want, i want you, i want our life back, i want our family together, its going to be incredible.
i want to rewind two fucking years and be standing with you on our first aniversary at the casino, we had such a great time...
i swear baby im not going to give up, im going to fight for you back and we are going to have an amazing life. things have happened, i know but i can let it go, i can start over with you and the girls, we can have what we wanted all along.
happy anniversary. next year i'm going to marry you again.
Monday, September 21, 2009
ohhhhh
wow saturday night was a big night at work, didnt knock off till one and then had wayyy too many margaritas. oh dear, good times.
yesterday was the fundraiser at the tavern and it was so cool, heaps of people turned up to support greta and dad, there was awesome live music by Jerry and Val and some lovley kiwi blokes came and sang a few songs as well, was wonderful to hear an nz accent! they invited me over on the weekend for a hangi YUM
just cant beleive how awesome the people are around here, Dad has some wonderful friends. will put pics up on facebook in the next day or so, but right now i need an early night! have definatley hit it hard this weekend and need rest.
yesterday was the fundraiser at the tavern and it was so cool, heaps of people turned up to support greta and dad, there was awesome live music by Jerry and Val and some lovley kiwi blokes came and sang a few songs as well, was wonderful to hear an nz accent! they invited me over on the weekend for a hangi YUM
just cant beleive how awesome the people are around here, Dad has some wonderful friends. will put pics up on facebook in the next day or so, but right now i need an early night! have definatley hit it hard this weekend and need rest.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
yayy big smiles
hahaha have had a very nice morning ;) and a nice night out on thurs, was feeling pretty miserable so took myself down to the tavern (owned by friends of dads) and had some beers and some chats, met a boy teeeheeee, had a nice evening. saw him again today.
tomorow is dads fundraiser thingee, should be wikid, he's got saome awesome mates who have totally been suportive, they are great people.
im working again tonight, should be a busy one apparently so will be home late and probably buggered by the time i get here.
good mood today, alot better :D
xx
tomorow is dads fundraiser thingee, should be wikid, he's got saome awesome mates who have totally been suportive, they are great people.
im working again tonight, should be a busy one apparently so will be home late and probably buggered by the time i get here.
good mood today, alot better :D
xx
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